Posts Tagged ‘movie reviews’


4 of 5 Black-Hole Stars – The Theory of Everything starring, well nobody, really.

This movie had me crying like a fucking baby, all throughout the goddamn movie. Hawking’s struggle was so well portrayed by the actors, and the filmmakers. It felt so real. I mean, I could feel the struggle, in my heart.

And while I was being awed by the determination that Hawking had, I felt like a useless fuck, myself. I mean, if this guy can write several books, at 4 words per minute, what the bloody fuck am I doing with my life? It made me feel so goddamn inadequate, and fucking useless.

Here I am, able bodied as can be, and I accomplish absolutely nothing. While Hawking goes on being a motherfucking professor, writing books, and giving lectures, like a boss. The guy is a fucking rock star. It was absolutely amazing to watch on screen. I mean, how can anyone even get up in front of a crowded lecture hall and speak like that? The balls on this guy. It’s fucking amazing.

And then the love… That bitch Jane made me cry like a little girl, as well. When she learned of his illness, and just refused to let it stand between them, that shit was amazing. But I knew it wasn’t going to last. When that hunk Johnathan came into the picture, helping out with Hawking, and all that, I fucking knew he was going to fall in love with Jane.

Because, how long can you really put up with taking care of a guy like Hawking. Sure, he’s a brilliant motherfucking rock star, but my God, man… The work that poor girl had to do every day, just to get the guy out of bed. Feed him breakfast. Brush his fucking teeth. Fuck that, man. Get a real guy.

I couldn’t feel sorry for Hawking, when she left him. I mean, sure, I cried when they finally had the realization that it wasn’t going to work out. But that shit was coming on for years. It was inevitable. Plus, you could tell that Hawking just wanted to bang porn stars, anyway. Because the man was reading Penthouse, for fuck’s sake. And he’s a motherfucking rock star. So he’s got hot-ass groupies, just begging to suck that smart dick.

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3 of 5 Oh-Noes-Don’t-Shoot-Me Stars – John Wick, starring Keanu Reeves.

I’m sorry, but I have a hard time finding Keanu Reeves threatening. He’s just not scary at all. If he pointed a gun at me, I’d just start to giggle. Because, come on man… The dude couldn’t hurt a fly. He’d make a horrible mercenary.

But that’s what he plays in this movie. A mercenary. A badass. A guy you don’t want to fuck with. Well, I get that from some guy like Mel Gibson, in Payback or something. But I just can’t get behind Keanu Reeves as a merc. I just don’t see it. It doesn’t fit. It doesn’t make sense. It’s just wrong, goddamnit.

But at least it’s not another goddamn Keanu ninja flick. Oh my god… Those are so terrible. At least this film was watchable. It’s actually fairly good, as action flicks go. It wasn’t boring, that’s for sure. The only thing that really does this movie in is the suspension of belief. Believing that Keanu is this badass dude. Because, I sure don’t believe it, man.

All I believe, is that it’s a well choreographed film. Keanu makes a great puppet, and he did the required actions perfectly. He shot at people. He did kung-fu. It’s a story of redemption. About John Wick coming out of retirement, to get the bad guys who took everything from him. So, nothing original. Just the usual shoot-’em-up, really.

All that being said, it’s still an enjoyable film. It was well worth watching, even though I couldn’t see Keanu as the character he was playing. But, I could still see all the killing, and fighting, and dancing… Wait, there was dancing? I don’t remember the dancing. But anyway, it wasn’t a bad flick, really.

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4 of 5 Kick-Ass Stars –  Taken 3, starring Liam Neeson.

I liked this movie. It was the best of the Taken films, that’s for sure. I think it’s because this movie is all about Liam’s character Bryan. It’s not about his stupid daughter, or his overly-hot ex-wife. That’s what drove me nuts about the other Taken movies. Fuck those bitches. Nobody gives a shit about those stupid whores.

This movie is about Bryan running from the law. Because someone killed his ex-wife, and the police caught him standing there, with blood on his hands. He was innocent, dammit! He was just trying to check her pulse, to see if she was okay. Just to prove how completely innocent he is, he busted out his kung-fu moves, escaped the bumblehead cops, and jumped out the window.

Sure, that’ll show ’em. They’ll definitely believe your innocence now. NOT! Come on, man. I mean, are you trying to make yourself guilty? Because, that’s what you’re doing. Fucking idiot.

So Bryan goes on a rampage, trying to clear his name, and killing shit-tons of bad guys in the process. Because that’s what bad-ass Liam does in these films. He even used the tag-line “Good luck.” But this time, he used it on a cop, instead of some slick bad guy.

It was a solid, decent movie. Well worth watching. It almost made me hope for a Taken 4, where nobody is taken, and Liam plays retired Bryan, trying to solve a murder at his nursing home.

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2 of 5 Stupid-As-Fuck Stars – This is the End, starring Seth Rogen, and other idiots.

I swear, this movie must have been written by a 12 year old. Or, maybe a 5 year old, I’m not sure. Because it’s all immature toilet humor. I mean, seriously… You remember that bit where they were all mime jizzing all over the house. “I’ll jizz wherever I want!” one of them exclaimed, and it was just a mime jizz fest.

Only a 12 year old, or maybe younger pre-pubescent boy could have written that shit. Because, that’s what it was. Shit. It’s just fucking stupid. I was watching it, and looking around at other people in the theatre, going, “Are you guys seeing this? Seriously? Should we just walk out?” because, it was just sooooo bad.

The premise really isn’t that bad at all. Some hollywood types are at some big-wig party, when the end of the world comes. The Rapture takes all the Christians, or Mormons, or whoever, up to heaven, while leaving all the dumbfucks behind. And of course, these hollywood types are major dumbfucks. So they’re left to fend for themselves, holed up in James Franco’s house, fighting off demons and such.

I mean, the movie had promise. Much of it was actually quite good. Funny, even. But there was just so much immature bullshit, that I just had to go, “What the fuck, Rogen? Come on… You can do better than this,” because I know he can. I mean, Superbad was fucking awesome. He wrote that shit with the same jackass that he wrote this movie with.

I don’t know what the fuck happened, after Superbad. Maybe Rogen and Goldberg just smoked so much weed that their brains got soft, and turned into 12 year fuck-tards. Who the fuck knows. All I know is, this movie could have been so much better. If they just had one goddamn adult on retainer to say, “Ummm, hey guys? That’s pretty goddamn stupid. I mean come on…”

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3 of 5 Boring-As-Shit Stars – Wild, starring Reese Witherspoon.

My wife dragged me to this fucking movie. I didn’t want to see it. I violently objected to seeing it, but she was adamant about it. And guess who wins in pretty much every argument? The one with the pussy. Duh.

So, I’m stuck in this goddamn theatre, watching this movie, trying my hardest to NOT fall asleep. I fucking swear, it was like sitting in church, when I was 5 years old. Always falling asleep to the sermon. My mom always smacking me upside the head, to wake up, or she swears to fucking God, she’s going to kill me when we get home. Very Christian, my mom.

The wife smacks me upside the head for the umteenth time, trying to wake me up, in the theatre. Throws popcorn at me. Even punches me in the junk once or twice. Okay, fine. I’ll pay attention. Goddamnit.

This movie is about some stupid spoiled whore, who goes on a fucking walkabout, for no apparent reason. Okay, maybe her boyfriend left her or something. I don’t fucking know, because I wasn’t paying much attention. So she’s wandering around in the California desert, starving to death. Thirsty as fuck. Without a plan, or a brain in her fucking head.

She decides to quit. So she finds a dirt road, and hitchhikes. An old redneck comes by, and I was hoping he would rape the shit out of her. But no. He just takes her back to meet his lovely wife, and they have dinner. Damn. Where’s the conflict, man? What the fuck? Give me something. Some kind of hardship, for fuck’s sake.

The stupid cunt decides to continue her walkabout, for whatever reason. And the movie just drags on from there. She meets more people who might rape her, but they never do. So disappointing.

If you don’t like being bored to tears, I’d suggest watching Wolf Creek instead. Because at least in that backpacking movie, there’s plenty of rape and torture. Thank fucking God.

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2 of 5 Boring-As-Fuck Stars – The Grand Budapest Hotel, starring Ralph Fiennes.

I have no idea why people love this movie so much. It has a fucking 8.1 rating at IMDB for fuck’s sake. I just don’t get it. It’s a stupid, boring story. I nearly fell asleep in the middle of it. I just wanted it to end, so I could get back to my miserable life. Because misery is preferable to having to sit through this goddamn movie.

It’s the story of Gustave, the general manager of a hotel that at one time, back during the war, it was a thriving business. All the upper class stayed at The Grand Budapest. But then there’s this whole plot thing. About war, and intrigue, and who the fuck knows what, because as I said, I was falling asleep through most of it.

Gustave and his house-boy, or should I just call him his love slave? Because there is no fucking way Gustave wasn’t fucking that poor kid in the ass. Anyway, they go on an adventure through the countryside, to steal government secrets, or to protect secrets, or to fuck secrets in the ass of a sweet little boy… I don’t fucking know.

It all goes to shit, of course, because conflict. So the movie is just Gustave being a stuck-up dick, then Gustave being a pathetic cry-baby of a spy. I just didn’t care. I wanted to shoot him in the face from the first time he came on the screen. His house-boy was adorable though. I really just wanted to wrap him in a blanket, feed him hot chocolate, and snuggle his cute little nose.

Because, the house-boy deserved love. Real love. Because he was sweet, and innocent. Gustave, however, deserved to die in a fiery plane crash or something, because at the heart of it, he’s just an asshole, always out for himself.

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4 of 5 Better-Than-The-Book Stars – The Maze Runner, starring… Well, nobody really.

This was an exciting movie. It actually made more sense than the book. Which I guess isn’t hard, because the book didn’t make any fucking sense at all. I mean, it was a compelling story, but I was left with way too many questions in the end. The same goes for the movie, of course. There’s so many questions… But at least they made it an interesting journey into the unknown.

This is the story of Thomas, who wakes up in a box that’s being lifted to the surface of a courtyard of sorts. It’s in the middle of this huge maze. And, he’s immediately greeted by the local Lord of the Flies boys. They poke at him, and call him names, because he’s such a “Greenie”. But, Thomas makes himself useful anyway, by darting into the maze, to save a young boy.

Now, this is against the rules. You don’t go darting into the goddamn maze at night, you stupid Greenie. There’s fucking monsters in there, man. What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Fine, go die a horrible death. See if I care. Fucking Greenie.

Against all odds, Thomas survives the night in the maze. He fights off the monsters, and pulls the other boy along with him to safety. When the maze opens again, in the morning, the rest of the Lord Flies are amazed. How the fuck did he make it out alive? Has this kid got superpowers or something? What the fuck?

Well, if you’ve read the books, you know that he does actually have super powers. Not like Superman, or anything. But, this kid knows things. He’s seen things, man. He’s been there and done that. So he’s got an edge over all the rest.

I really did like this movie. It’s fun, it’s exciting, and it’s full of mystery and suspense. None of the boys know why this is happening to them. Why they’re stuck in this strange maze. Hell, they don’t even remember their real names. At this point in the series, even Thomas doesn’t know how or why he’s there.

The filmmakers really brought this world to life. In a story that really had no answers, they made me not care about why things are happening. The story was so real on the screen, that it just didn’t matter. It was just a well made movie.

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