Archive for the ‘Science Fiction’ Category

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4 of 5 Better-Than-The-Book Stars – The Maze Runner, starring… Well, nobody really.

This was an exciting movie. It actually made more sense than the book. Which I guess isn’t hard, because the book didn’t make any fucking sense at all. I mean, it was a compelling story, but I was left with way too many questions in the end. The same goes for the movie, of course. There’s so many questions… But at least they made it an interesting journey into the unknown.

This is the story of Thomas, who wakes up in a box that’s being lifted to the surface of a courtyard of sorts. It’s in the middle of this huge maze. And, he’s immediately greeted by the local Lord of the Flies boys. They poke at him, and call him names, because he’s such a “Greenie”. But, Thomas makes himself useful anyway, by darting into the maze, to save a young boy.

Now, this is against the rules. You don’t go darting into the goddamn maze at night, you stupid Greenie. There’s fucking monsters in there, man. What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Fine, go die a horrible death. See if I care. Fucking Greenie.

Against all odds, Thomas survives the night in the maze. He fights off the monsters, and pulls the other boy along with him to safety. When the maze opens again, in the morning, the rest of the Lord Flies are amazed. How the fuck did he make it out alive? Has this kid got superpowers or something? What the fuck?

Well, if you’ve read the books, you know that he does actually have super powers. Not like Superman, or anything. But, this kid knows things. He’s seen things, man. He’s been there and done that. So he’s got an edge over all the rest.

I really did like this movie. It’s fun, it’s exciting, and it’s full of mystery and suspense. None of the boys know why this is happening to them. Why they’re stuck in this strange maze. Hell, they don’t even remember their real names. At this point in the series, even Thomas doesn’t know how or why he’s there.

The filmmakers really brought this world to life. In a story that really had no answers, they made me not care about why things are happening. The story was so real on the screen, that it just didn’t matter. It was just a well made movie.

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4 of 5 Simple-Yet-Stunning Stars – Time Lapse, starring… Well, nobody really.

This movie surprised the shit out of me. I really didn’t expect much from it. But, I’ve always been a fan of these little time travel movies. They do their time travel cheap, by using their minds, instead of special effects. I was first wowed by this kind of movie when I saw Primer, back in 2004.

It just amazed me, that these filmmakers could make such a compelling film, without having any special effects at all, really. It’s just completely character driven. And this movie is even better than other time travel movies which had much bigger budgets, and even bigger stars.

For instance, last week I saw Premonition, which starred Ethan Hawke. It was a decent movie, but it wasn’t near as good as this one. Because Time Lapse doesn’t need special effects to tell its story. All it needs is characters that are willing to play the part. And all the actors involved in this movie pulled it off brilliantly.

This movie is the story of a camera, which takes pictures of the future. Every day, at exactly 8 PM, the camera takes a picture of the apartment directly across from it. That apartment just happens to be owned by the caretaker of the complex, his girlfriend, and his crazy friend.

The old man who invented the camera suddenly dies, with parking tickets piling up on his car, and mail piling up on his front stoop. So, the caretaker goes inside to see what’s amiss. Sure enough, the old man is dead. But, the caretaker finds the camera, which is actually a huge immobile machine, with a big-ass lense pointed directly across to the caretaker’s apartment.

So, the caretaker and his friends soon discover that this machine does in fact take pictures of the future, exactly 24 hours into the future, to be exact. They begin to exploit it, posting race finish numbers, so their crazy friend could place some bets, to make them filthy rich. Why the bloody fuck they didn’t just post the goddamn winning lottery numbers on their big bay window, for the fucking camera to take a picture of, I will never understand.

The camera starts showing their future, and they believe if they do not make that future come true, they will die, just like the old man did. Because of his last journal entry. He said he was going to try to change his future, and not do what the camera predicted. And then he died. So, these 20-something slackers pose for the camera every night, at 8 PM, just like the camera predicted the day before, just so they won’t die a horrible death, like the old man.

Of course, there’s much more to the story than that. There’s many unpredictable twists and turns in the story, but I don’t want to give away the whole fucking thing. Just watch it. It’s very good. You can thank me later.

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4 of 5 Dystopian Stars – Divergent, starring… Well, nobody really.

I’ll say it again. Divergent was better than that stupid cry-baby book. This movie was actually quite good. It brought the story to life much better than the book ever could. Because the book is told by the angsty cry-baby Tris, and she never gives us a good glimpse of her world. This movie finally makes it real. It creates a scenic life-like world that I never imagined while reading the book. Sometimes, expanding from the book can be a bad thing, but in this case, it made the movie so much better.

What I hate about these kind of dystopian movies, is that they never tell us what the fuck is going on. How did this world get this fucked up? Why did they put everyone into factions? And why do we never see any adult Dauntless? Is it because they are so goddamn rebellious that they fucking die before they’re 30? I mean, all the other factions have parents, and children, and actual families. There’s no fucking families in Dauntless. It’s just kids and anarchy.

There are just so many questions, and not enough answers. I mean, I read the entire series, and yes, in the end there are some answers. But come on… Give me something, goddamnit. I understand, that with the first movie, you’re trying to suck everyone in, so they want to see the next one in the series. But still, it would have been nice to get just a few answers in this first installment.

It still is a good movie, even though it’s derivative as fuck. I mean, come on… Putting teenagers into factions is not an original idea at all. It’s like nearly every goddamn young adult movie puts ’em in factions. What’s the deal with that? Is it because teens are rebellious, and it’s just a tool to create more conflict? Probably.

But, I don’t really care. It was still well worth watching. The Dauntless faction that young Tris chose, definitely sounds like fun. I don’t know why any teenager would chose any of the other factions, really. Because, the rest of them sound boring as fuck.

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2 of 5 Outlived it’s Prime Stars – Transformers: Age of Extinction, starring Marky Mark Wahlberg.

Somebody please kill this franchise. Put a fucking bullet in its head already, goddamnit. I mean, seriously. Do we really need more of these motherfucking movies? No, we don’t. So fucking kill it already.

It kind of sucks, because I actually liked the previous Transformer films. They had humor, adventure, and sexy hot bitches. What else is there to want? They were great movies. For me, at least. I know most critics bashed them to shit. But, I enjoyed them for what they were. Senseless entertainment.

But this fucking movie? Fuck this piece of shit. It’s fucking horrible. Mostly because of stupid-face Marky Mark. His character was just depressing as fuck. I really wish I had skipped the first 40 minutes of this movie. It would have been much better, if I had walked into the theatre 40 minutes after the movie had started. Maybe then it would have been an okay movie. Then again, I doubt it. There just wasn’t anything redeeming about it.

Marky Mark plays the depressing Cade Yeager. What the fuck kind of name is Cade, anyway? I’ve never heard of that name, that’s for sure. Anyway, Cade is a fucking loser. He’s an engineer, and an inventor, who just plain sucks at life. Save for having a hot as fuck daughter. I mean, the guy can’t pay his bills. He’s about to lose his house. But then, he finds an old truck in an abandoned movie theatre.

What the fuck is Optimus Prime doing in a movie theatre? Was he reliving the previous films, with a slight tear drooling down his face, at the abomination he was about to endure? Probably. In any case, Cade takes Optimus back to his shop, to see if he can fix him up. Sure enough, Optimus comes to life just in time to save the day, as the government spooks descend onto Cade’s property.

I was bored out of my mind during all of this. Just wanted to fucking kill myself. It was just so bad. In fact, I can’t really tell you that it finally did get good. Because, it really didn’t. It just dragged on with senseless destruction. Even after the Dinobots showed up, I was bored. Oh great, shit’s gonna kick in now, right? HERE WE GO! DINOBOTS MOTHERFUCKER!

But no. It didn’t pick up from there. Just more senseless destruction, without any real story to care about.

So don’t watch this fucking movie. Watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen instead. Because, that movie was awesome. Boobies, and explosions, and hardcore robot fighting. And no Marky Mark cry baby. Thank fucking god.

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1 of 5 Fucking Bullshit Stars – Under The Skin, starring Scarlett Johansson

I hated this movie so much. I literally screamed at my TV several times… “DO SOMETHING!!!” Because, for the majority of this movie, nothing happens. I mean, NOTHING. She just drives around town in her fucking van. Over and over. I fuckign swear at least an hour of this 108 minute movie is just her driving around in her motherfucking van.

Fuck you, Jonathan Glazer (the writer/director). I got this fucking movie because I wanted to see Scarlett Johansson naked. And I wanted to see her fucking guys and killing them mercilessly. Is that too much to ask? I mean, that’s what we were all promised in that motherfucking lie of a preview.

But no. Instead, we get this fucking whore driving around in her motherfucking van for two fucking hours. Sure, theoretically Scarlett Johansson was in fact naked in some of the scenes. But it was hard to tell, because she was always in the dark, lurking in the shadows. As far as I know, she was in a fucking body suit.

And yes, she did sort of kill guys. But it wasn’t anything graphic. She just lured them to her spaceship thingy and they walked in the water. That’s it. They’re dead. Then, I guess, she takes their skin, to live another day as a human. But we never get to see her skin these guys. No gore at all really. Very disappointing.

Really, the only part of this movie worth watching is the last twenty minutes or so, where some guy tries to rape her in the woods. That bit was pretty cool. But it was not worth sitting through two hours of fucking horseshit. I don’t understand WHY 2/3 of this movie was her driving around in her van. I can’t for the life of me imagine what the fuck the writer/director was thinking. Maybe he was just trying to piss off Scarlett Johansson fans. Who the fuck knows.

So don’t watch this fucking bullshit movie. Watch The Avengers instead. Because she looked better in that movie, wearing skin-tight leather, than she did looking supposedly naked in Under The Skin.

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3 of 5 Should-Have-Been-Better Stars – Lucy, starring Scarlett Johansson.

I actually paid to see this movie in the theatre. I’ve always been a big fan of Luc Besson’s movies. The Fifth Element, The Transporter series, and many more of his movies, are some of my favorite films. But this one disappointed me. I expected more from Besson, I really did. Lucy just fell flat on her stupid face.

The problem is this: with great power does come with great responsibility. Because Lucy gets an enormous amount of power, very fast. She learns to use her new-found gifts with ease. And yet, when she comes up against a hallway full of bad guys, she doesn’t use her fancy powers. She shoots at them. She dodges them. She runs away.

What the ever-loving fuck? Just two scenes ago, we saw her put an entire hospital to sleep. We saw her use telekinesis to turn their own guns against them. So why’s she running around and shooting in scenes after that? It doesn’t make any fucking sense. She can enter someone’s mine and make them do whatever the fuck she wants, so why’s she bother running?

You don’t see Professor Xavier running from people. Fuck that. He doesn’t need to run. Neither does Lucy. She’s got the power. Unfortunately, with all that power, it makes the story too simple. If she just used her awesome power, there would be no conflict. She’s just win. The end.

So instead, Besson just has her running around and shooting people like he does with most of his movies. They’re not about people, they’re about action. But Lucy’s power takes away so much of that action, that Besson had to shoe-horn in fight scenes that just didn’t need to be there. With her power, those scenes just distract from the story. They take me away from the story and have me screaming at the screen, “Fucking kill ’em with yer mind, bitch. What the fuck? Why’s she running around…”

I really wanted to see the real story behind Lucy. Not the story behind the film. Fuck that. I want to know what really would have happened, if Lucy would have just gone buck-wild with her powers and ruled the world. I saw a glimpse of that reality, with this movie. But just a glimpse. Not the whole story.

So even though I love most of Luc Besson’s work, Fuck This Movie! Don’t watch it. Watch The Transporter, or Taken, or so many more good movies that he’s made. Just don’t soil his good name by watching Lucy.

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2 of 5 Bullshit Stars – Interstellar, starring Matthew McConaughey.

I’m so glad I didn’t pay to see this movie. If I had paid, I would have demanded my money back, that’s for damn sure. As it is, a friend dragged me along to see it at the theatre. I was bored out of my fucking mind. Seriously, this movie is just plain horrible. I have no idea why so many people went to see it. I mean, sure, it’s Chris Fucking Nolan. I get that. But come on…

I think it’s got to the point that Nolan could shit on a paper plate and call it art, and people would line up around the block to pay to see it. This happens all the time with authors and artists. They get to a point in their career, where they can do no wrong. Their fame just carries them to success after success, without them having to actually TRY to make decent art.

Well, fuck that noise. It’s bullshit. This movie is fucking bullshit. It’s so goddamn stupid. We’re running out of food? Seriously? Then how come Cooper has been up in space for 20 years, and we cut back to the fuckheads back on earth, and everyone looks just fine. Not malnourished at all.

It cracks me up that 22 years have passed, and Michael Caine looks exactly the same. Same hair cut. Same goatee. Same clothes even. Seriously. He’s wearing the same goddamn shirt. The same fucking khaki pants. It’s been 22 fucking years and the man hasn’t aged a day. What the bloody fuck, Nolan? Come on man. Put some fucking makeup on the guy or something.

It’s just lazy fucking filmmaking. Hell, even Cooper’s son is driving his dad’s Ram pickup. The same goddamn pickup Cooper was driving around 22 years ago. Looks just as beat up as before. Hasn’t aged a day.

Don’t get me started on the whole wormhole thing. The science is so bad in this movie that it’s hard to even call it science fiction. There’s no science involved in it at all, it’s just bad fiction.

So don’t watch this fucking bullshit movie. Watch Guardians of the Galaxy instead. Because that’s some damn fine science fiction. It’s entertaining as fuck. And it won’t put you to sleep like boring-ass Interstellar. Seriously, about half way through Interstellar I literally fell asleep in the theatre. My friend had to smack me upside the head to stop me from snoring.