Archive for the ‘Horror’ Category

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3 of 5 Run-For-Your-Life Stars – Preservation, starring… Well, nobody really.

There’s a proven formula to horror films, which this movie did not follow. You stupid motherfuckers. You’re supposed to give me a fright at the beginning of the movie. A glimpse of the horror that is to come. But no. This fucking movie just skips that essential bit. It just starts out with a bunch of fuck-sticks going camping.

Without the scare in the beginning, I don’t give a fucking shit about these idiots going camping. I started watching this movie to see people get ripped apart by chainsaws, not to watch stupid cunts singing in their truck, on the way to the mountains. I really wanted to fast-forward that bit. It was a serious waste of screen time.

Nothing of interest happens in this movie, until about 30 minutes into it. Then, some bad guys show up in the night, and steal their stuff, including their pants and their shoes. So these 3 hapless idiots are left to try to find their way back to their truck barefoot. And like true horror-story idiots, they hiked off the path, so they have no fucking clue where they are.

And then the stupid family drama kicks in. See, it’s two brothers, and one brother’s wife, along on this journey. One brother is the bad boy rebel, who hates technology, the other brother is a fucking nerd, who’s addicted to his phone. So, of course these two brothers are going to fight. One blames the other for the theft, etc. And of course, the wife is pregnant. Because, conflict.

This is where it gets good, however. Not because of the forced family conflict, but because the brothers split up, and go their separate ways. And that’s when the bad guys strike. Killing off both brothers, and leave the helpless pregnant female to fend for herself.

As her husband is dying, he talks to her through the radio and says, “You have to kill them. Kill them all. Before they kill you.” Now, this is great, and inspiring. But up until this point, the wife doesn’t show any signs of strength. She’s just a typical female weakling. So how the fuck does she up and become this barefoot, rock-climbing, motherfucking killing machine? I don’t get it.

This last part of the movie is quite thrilling, when she stalks and hunts her prey. And her prey is just a few stupid teenagers. She’s pregnant. She’s going to have a motherfucking child, and yet she has no problem whatsoever with killing these fucking teenagers. Sure, that makes sense.

But it doesn’t really have to make sense. It’s just good, not-so-clean fun and gore. I was kind of surprised that the filmmakers decided to kill off both the brothers. I sort of expected at least one of them to be left barely alive. That would have made it even harder on the wife to up and leave him, to go on her murderous rampage. But still, in the end, this was a decent horror flick. But it could have been much better.

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3 of 5 Horrific Stars – Evil Dead, NOT starring Bruce Campbell.

I really have to wonder if the people who made this movie even watched the original Evil Dead. Because the original Sam Raimi film was scary, dirty, and fucking hilarious. This movie, however, is a bit dirty, slightly scary, and not even the slightest bit hilarious. It’s a crying shame.

Bruce Campbell fucking MADE the Evil Dead series. He made it come alive. He was the essence of those movies. Because he was crazy, and at the same time, fucking hilarious. He took the most hardcore horror of its time and made it slapstick funny. Bruce Campbell was the only reason I ever watched those movies. Because he was fucking brilliant, and those movies were awesome because of it.

But this movie? Fuck this movie. There’s nothing awesome or noteworthy about it. It’s just gore for gore’s sake. As just a plain old horror movie, I guess it’s okay. I mean it is packed full of so-called scary moments. Even more so than a lot of today’s horror movies. But I don’t need that shit. There are plenty of straight gore horror movies out there. We don’t need another, dammit.

What we need, is something original. That’s why I liked the other Evil Dead movies. Because it was a new take on horror. A fresh perspective, that actually made me like horror again. But this stupid remake just makes me want to stay the fuck away from horror altogether. Because it really is retarded. We all know it’s fake. You’ve got to give us something new, in order to actually freak us out anymore.

So, if you don’t want to soil the memory of the original Evil Dead series, don’t watch this stupid fucking remake. Skip it. Burn every copy you can find. Because it’s a slap in the face to poor old Bruce Campbell. And he deserves better.

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1 of 5 Fucking Bullshit Stars – Under The Skin, starring Scarlett Johansson

I hated this movie so much. I literally screamed at my TV several times… “DO SOMETHING!!!” Because, for the majority of this movie, nothing happens. I mean, NOTHING. She just drives around town in her fucking van. Over and over. I fuckign swear at least an hour of this 108 minute movie is just her driving around in her motherfucking van.

Fuck you, Jonathan Glazer (the writer/director). I got this fucking movie because I wanted to see Scarlett Johansson naked. And I wanted to see her fucking guys and killing them mercilessly. Is that too much to ask? I mean, that’s what we were all promised in that motherfucking lie of a preview.

But no. Instead, we get this fucking whore driving around in her motherfucking van for two fucking hours. Sure, theoretically Scarlett Johansson was in fact naked in some of the scenes. But it was hard to tell, because she was always in the dark, lurking in the shadows. As far as I know, she was in a fucking body suit.

And yes, she did sort of kill guys. But it wasn’t anything graphic. She just lured them to her spaceship thingy and they walked in the water. That’s it. They’re dead. Then, I guess, she takes their skin, to live another day as a human. But we never get to see her skin these guys. No gore at all really. Very disappointing.

Really, the only part of this movie worth watching is the last twenty minutes or so, where some guy tries to rape her in the woods. That bit was pretty cool. But it was not worth sitting through two hours of fucking horseshit. I don’t understand WHY 2/3 of this movie was her driving around in her van. I can’t for the life of me imagine what the fuck the writer/director was thinking. Maybe he was just trying to piss off Scarlett Johansson fans. Who the fuck knows.

So don’t watch this fucking bullshit movie. Watch The Avengers instead. Because she looked better in that movie, wearing skin-tight leather, than she did looking supposedly naked in Under The Skin.

tusk

3 of 5 Actually Horrifying Stars.

Tusk is the newest movie from the retired director, Kevin Smith. It’s a very strange film. It disturbs me how it tries to be funny while being truly terrifying. I mean, I know Kevin Smith is mostly known for his comedies, but did he really have to shove so many attempts at humor in this crazy, fucked up tale?

I’m not sure why Smith has chosen this path of horror in his retired film career, but I really wish he’d stop, and leave the horror to people who know what they’re doing. You know, people who know that a good horror film absolutely requires plenty of naked boobies.

Tusk is the story of Wallace, some retarded podcaster who sets off to the great white north in search of a total loser who got youtube famous by accidently chopping off his leg while dancing with a sword. But when Wallace gets up to Canada to visit this young idiot, he finds that the kid had killed himself the previous evening.

Not wanting to completely waste his trip, Wallace sets out to find some other weirdo to interview for his podcast. He finds a flyer on the wall of a bar’s bathroom that goes on about some old man’s crazy life, and how he’s offering free room and board to anyone who wants to come up and visit, and listen to his crazy stories. The flyer did not, however, mention the fact that the old man was a crazy lunatic who’s only intention was to turn his unlucky visitors into a surgically altered walrus.

The story starts out with some amusing bits with Wallace and his retarded podcast. With him going on about getting jizz all over his face, with his fellow podcaster, Teddy. This is all well and good, considering most horror films start out fairly lighthearted, until the utter terror begins. Well, I take that back. Most horror movies start out with a glimpse of the horror that is to come, then cut to the happy family. But something tells me that Smith hasn’t watched too many horror films.

But then, the horror starts. Wallace gets his legs sawed off, and is in the process of being turned into a walrus. Then the story cuts back to Teddy, and Wallace’s girlfriend Ally. Of course, Teddy, the pudgy, sensitive guy is banging Wallace’s girlfriend. Because for some undisclosed reason, Ally is just so upset with the new, successful Wallace. I really don’t get this part. She’s like suicidal. Because Wallace isn’t a loser anymore. He’s a successful podcaster, who makes over 100k a year. How she’s so upset about this, I have no fucking clue.

Then, Teddy and Ally set out to find out what the fuck has happened to Wallace, because he left each of them a fucked up voicemail about how he’s being turned into a walrus, or something. So Teddy and Ally get to meet a washed up detective, up in Canada who just happens to be a standard fucked up Johnny Depp character. I guess it was an attempt at humor. I don’t fucking know. The story didn’t need this over the top Depp character. It needed the guy to explain what they were up against. Who was this old man who had been messing with their friend Wallace? But, it didn’t need to be funny. The Depp character was just out of place, and I just wanted to punch him in his fucked up fake mustache face.

When Wallace is actually transformed surgically into the final form of the walrus, complete his tongue cut out, and huge tusks bolted to his upper jaw, the story becomes pure terror. I mean, I thought this film would more or less turn out similar to The Human Centipede. But it’s not similar at all. When I got to see the Wallace walrus in its full glory, when he makes that horrible noise-scream, because he doesn’t have a tongue, it just made me cringe. It was so sick and twisted.

But then, that cocksucker Kevin Smith just had to cut back to that fucking Depp character, and the movie made me scream for a completely different reason. Because, fuck that guy. Just when the horror was getting good, Smith just had to fuck it up. Goddamnit so much.

Overall, I’m glad I watched this movie. I’m even more glad, however, that I watched it for free. I really feel sorry for anyone who actually paid money to see it. I mean, it’s not bad, per se. It’s just not that good. I definitely would not recommend this film to anyone who loves Kevin Smith movies. They will be surely disappointed.