Archive for the ‘Drama’ Category

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4 of 5 Black-Hole Stars – The Theory of Everything starring, well nobody, really.

This movie had me crying like a fucking baby, all throughout the goddamn movie. Hawking’s struggle was so well portrayed by the actors, and the filmmakers. It felt so real. I mean, I could feel the struggle, in my heart.

And while I was being awed by the determination that Hawking had, I felt like a useless fuck, myself. I mean, if this guy can write several books, at 4 words per minute, what the bloody fuck am I doing with my life? It made me feel so goddamn inadequate, and fucking useless.

Here I am, able bodied as can be, and I accomplish absolutely nothing. While Hawking goes on being a motherfucking professor, writing books, and giving lectures, like a boss. The guy is a fucking rock star. It was absolutely amazing to watch on screen. I mean, how can anyone even get up in front of a crowded lecture hall and speak like that? The balls on this guy. It’s fucking amazing.

And then the love… That bitch Jane made me cry like a little girl, as well. When she learned of his illness, and just refused to let it stand between them, that shit was amazing. But I knew it wasn’t going to last. When that hunk Johnathan came into the picture, helping out with Hawking, and all that, I fucking knew he was going to fall in love with Jane.

Because, how long can you really put up with taking care of a guy like Hawking. Sure, he’s a brilliant motherfucking rock star, but my God, man… The work that poor girl had to do every day, just to get the guy out of bed. Feed him breakfast. Brush his fucking teeth. Fuck that, man. Get a real guy.

I couldn’t feel sorry for Hawking, when she left him. I mean, sure, I cried when they finally had the realization that it wasn’t going to work out. But that shit was coming on for years. It was inevitable. Plus, you could tell that Hawking just wanted to bang porn stars, anyway. Because the man was reading Penthouse, for fuck’s sake. And he’s a motherfucking rock star. So he’s got hot-ass groupies, just begging to suck that smart dick.

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3 of 5 Boring-As-Shit Stars – Wild, starring Reese Witherspoon.

My wife dragged me to this fucking movie. I didn’t want to see it. I violently objected to seeing it, but she was adamant about it. And guess who wins in pretty much every argument? The one with the pussy. Duh.

So, I’m stuck in this goddamn theatre, watching this movie, trying my hardest to NOT fall asleep. I fucking swear, it was like sitting in church, when I was 5 years old. Always falling asleep to the sermon. My mom always smacking me upside the head, to wake up, or she swears to fucking God, she’s going to kill me when we get home. Very Christian, my mom.

The wife smacks me upside the head for the umteenth time, trying to wake me up, in the theatre. Throws popcorn at me. Even punches me in the junk once or twice. Okay, fine. I’ll pay attention. Goddamnit.

This movie is about some stupid spoiled whore, who goes on a fucking walkabout, for no apparent reason. Okay, maybe her boyfriend left her or something. I don’t fucking know, because I wasn’t paying much attention. So she’s wandering around in the California desert, starving to death. Thirsty as fuck. Without a plan, or a brain in her fucking head.

She decides to quit. So she finds a dirt road, and hitchhikes. An old redneck comes by, and I was hoping he would rape the shit out of her. But no. He just takes her back to meet his lovely wife, and they have dinner. Damn. Where’s the conflict, man? What the fuck? Give me something. Some kind of hardship, for fuck’s sake.

The stupid cunt decides to continue her walkabout, for whatever reason. And the movie just drags on from there. She meets more people who might rape her, but they never do. So disappointing.

If you don’t like being bored to tears, I’d suggest watching Wolf Creek instead. Because at least in that backpacking movie, there’s plenty of rape and torture. Thank fucking God.

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2 of 5 Boring-As-Fuck Stars – The Grand Budapest Hotel, starring Ralph Fiennes.

I have no idea why people love this movie so much. It has a fucking 8.1 rating at IMDB for fuck’s sake. I just don’t get it. It’s a stupid, boring story. I nearly fell asleep in the middle of it. I just wanted it to end, so I could get back to my miserable life. Because misery is preferable to having to sit through this goddamn movie.

It’s the story of Gustave, the general manager of a hotel that at one time, back during the war, it was a thriving business. All the upper class stayed at The Grand Budapest. But then there’s this whole plot thing. About war, and intrigue, and who the fuck knows what, because as I said, I was falling asleep through most of it.

Gustave and his house-boy, or should I just call him his love slave? Because there is no fucking way Gustave wasn’t fucking that poor kid in the ass. Anyway, they go on an adventure through the countryside, to steal government secrets, or to protect secrets, or to fuck secrets in the ass of a sweet little boy… I don’t fucking know.

It all goes to shit, of course, because conflict. So the movie is just Gustave being a stuck-up dick, then Gustave being a pathetic cry-baby of a spy. I just didn’t care. I wanted to shoot him in the face from the first time he came on the screen. His house-boy was adorable though. I really just wanted to wrap him in a blanket, feed him hot chocolate, and snuggle his cute little nose.

Because, the house-boy deserved love. Real love. Because he was sweet, and innocent. Gustave, however, deserved to die in a fiery plane crash or something, because at the heart of it, he’s just an asshole, always out for himself.

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4 of 5 Simple-Yet-Stunning Stars – Time Lapse, starring… Well, nobody really.

This movie surprised the shit out of me. I really didn’t expect much from it. But, I’ve always been a fan of these little time travel movies. They do their time travel cheap, by using their minds, instead of special effects. I was first wowed by this kind of movie when I saw Primer, back in 2004.

It just amazed me, that these filmmakers could make such a compelling film, without having any special effects at all, really. It’s just completely character driven. And this movie is even better than other time travel movies which had much bigger budgets, and even bigger stars.

For instance, last week I saw Premonition, which starred Ethan Hawke. It was a decent movie, but it wasn’t near as good as this one. Because Time Lapse doesn’t need special effects to tell its story. All it needs is characters that are willing to play the part. And all the actors involved in this movie pulled it off brilliantly.

This movie is the story of a camera, which takes pictures of the future. Every day, at exactly 8 PM, the camera takes a picture of the apartment directly across from it. That apartment just happens to be owned by the caretaker of the complex, his girlfriend, and his crazy friend.

The old man who invented the camera suddenly dies, with parking tickets piling up on his car, and mail piling up on his front stoop. So, the caretaker goes inside to see what’s amiss. Sure enough, the old man is dead. But, the caretaker finds the camera, which is actually a huge immobile machine, with a big-ass lense pointed directly across to the caretaker’s apartment.

So, the caretaker and his friends soon discover that this machine does in fact take pictures of the future, exactly 24 hours into the future, to be exact. They begin to exploit it, posting race finish numbers, so their crazy friend could place some bets, to make them filthy rich. Why the bloody fuck they didn’t just post the goddamn winning lottery numbers on their big bay window, for the fucking camera to take a picture of, I will never understand.

The camera starts showing their future, and they believe if they do not make that future come true, they will die, just like the old man did. Because of his last journal entry. He said he was going to try to change his future, and not do what the camera predicted. And then he died. So, these 20-something slackers pose for the camera every night, at 8 PM, just like the camera predicted the day before, just so they won’t die a horrible death, like the old man.

Of course, there’s much more to the story than that. There’s many unpredictable twists and turns in the story, but I don’t want to give away the whole fucking thing. Just watch it. It’s very good. You can thank me later.

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4 of 5 Brilliant Stars – The Imitation Game, starring Benedict Cumberbatch.

I wasn’t expecting to like this film. I only went to see it, because the wife has a sick crush on Mr. Cumbersnatch. He’s a decent actor, but I never really found him that attractive. But, by the end of this film, both the wife and I wanted to fuck his brains out.

It’s because competence is sexy. Any time someone is REALLY good at something, it’s just amazing. And with this movie, there were two aspects that were competent and sexy. There was the real Alan Turing, who was absolutely brilliant, and on top of that, you have Benedict Cumberbatch who was just amazing in his performance as Turing.

I mean, Cumbersnatch actually made me believe that he loved the cock. I kind of assumed it, from his role as Sherlock. Because Sherlock is gay as fuck. But with Turing, it was more subtle than that. The man hated people. If it was up to him, he would always work alone. But he still wanted that hot cock.

This film is the story of Alan Turing, who pretty much invented computers back before there were any computers. He came up with the idea, in order to break the German’s Enigma code. Turing built a huge machine to make all the calculations, in order to break the code. So this film is his struggle to build the machine and break the code, and try not to get arrested as a homosexual, because back in those days, it literally was illegal to be a faggot.

The problem is, that’s not really the story. Turing didn’t build the fucking machine. The machine already existed. Turing just programmed it, more or less. In the film, it really seemed like Turing wasn’t just a brilliant mathematician, but also an amazing mechanical engineer. Because, that’s what it would take to build that machine from scratch. And that’s what the film led me to believe.

But, it’s pure bullshit. I read the wiki on Turing, after watching the film, and learned that Turing had nothing to do with building the machine. There were many more  deviations from Turing’s true story, but the building of the machine was the most glaring.

Another thing that itched my brain about this film is Keira Knightley’s role as Joan Clarke. Turing recruited her to work as a code breaker, but she’s not working with his team. She’s just hanging out with a bunch of women, doing who knows what. Washing their vag all damn day, or something. Because she’s not really working with Turing at all. So, why’s she even there?

If you’re going to take liberties with the original story, why not make Clarke part of the actual code breaking team, instead of having her secluded with the other useless women? Because, as it is, she’s just another useless whore. She may be brilliant, but in the film, it didn’t come out that way. She was just another Cumberbitch.

Overall, this film was amazing. Very well acted, with a story well told. It doesn’t matter if you’re familiar with the original story or not. It doesn’t even matter if you’re a Cumbersnatch fan. It’s just a damn fine movie.

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3 of 5 Miserable Stars – American Sniper, starring Bradley Cooper.

Seriously, this movie is pure white trash. Redneck to the core. With a beer in one hand, and a bitch-slap in the other. I agree that it’s very American, just not particularly interesting, or entertaining.

The sniper bits, however, are fucking amazing. Shooting kids in the streets. Killing an old man just because he looks suspicious. Good times. In any other world, Chris Kyle would be a motherfucking serial killer. But he’s not. With each shot, comes great pain and anguish. He doesn’t enjoy it. He doesn’t get off on it. He never yells “Yeah, motherfucker! GET SOME!” or any of that shit.

Then, the story cuts back to his American life, and I just wanted to shout at the screen, “Fuck you, Clint Eastwood! Get back to the sniping, you stupid cunt!” Because, the sniping was the only part of this movie worth watching. Nobody wants to watch some redneck drink beer on his couch and stare at a blank TV screen. Nobody.

So, why Clint? Why are you giving me so much bullshit redneck, when all I want to see is a MOTHERFUCKING SNIPER? Huh? Come on, man. Oh good, it’s back to the war, and he’s back to shooting kids in the street. Good times.

At the climax of this movie, when bullets are flying everywhere, and Chris is ducking for cover, he takes out his SAT phone and calls his wife to say “I’m done. I’m ready to finally come home.” That shit cracked me up. It’s like every time he’s in the shit he pulls out his phone just to call the wife and say hi.

Seriously? Don’t you have any down time, sitting around at camp, eating a fucking doughnut, or something? I mean, Bradley Cooper’s face is fat enough in this movie, that you know he’s been porking out on some fucking doughnuts. Seriously, Cooper looks like a completely different man in this movie. Not cute at all, as he is in most of his other movies.

In the end, this movie is depressing as fuck. It takes everything cool about being a sniper and just turns it into complete misery. It’s not just shooting people and yelling “GET SOME!”, it’s more concentration, and focus. There’s no joy in it at all. And, unfortunately, that leaves no joy, or happiness in this movie.

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4 of 5 Dystopian Stars – Divergent, starring… Well, nobody really.

I’ll say it again. Divergent was better than that stupid cry-baby book. This movie was actually quite good. It brought the story to life much better than the book ever could. Because the book is told by the angsty cry-baby Tris, and she never gives us a good glimpse of her world. This movie finally makes it real. It creates a scenic life-like world that I never imagined while reading the book. Sometimes, expanding from the book can be a bad thing, but in this case, it made the movie so much better.

What I hate about these kind of dystopian movies, is that they never tell us what the fuck is going on. How did this world get this fucked up? Why did they put everyone into factions? And why do we never see any adult Dauntless? Is it because they are so goddamn rebellious that they fucking die before they’re 30? I mean, all the other factions have parents, and children, and actual families. There’s no fucking families in Dauntless. It’s just kids and anarchy.

There are just so many questions, and not enough answers. I mean, I read the entire series, and yes, in the end there are some answers. But come on… Give me something, goddamnit. I understand, that with the first movie, you’re trying to suck everyone in, so they want to see the next one in the series. But still, it would have been nice to get just a few answers in this first installment.

It still is a good movie, even though it’s derivative as fuck. I mean, come on… Putting teenagers into factions is not an original idea at all. It’s like nearly every goddamn young adult movie puts ’em in factions. What’s the deal with that? Is it because teens are rebellious, and it’s just a tool to create more conflict? Probably.

But, I don’t really care. It was still well worth watching. The Dauntless faction that young Tris chose, definitely sounds like fun. I don’t know why any teenager would chose any of the other factions, really. Because, the rest of them sound boring as fuck.

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