Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

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2 of 5 Not-Even-Sexy Stars – Sex Tape, starring Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel.

This is ridiculous. An R rated movie, called “Sex Tape” and there’s no nudity? WTF man? An R rated movie with that title had better have some actual sex. Not just pretend sex. I mean, there had better be some titties flappin’ and some dick pounding. But no. It’s just PG type slapstick comedy, instead.

I don’t understand why the fuck they went with the R rating at all. It wasn’t an R rated movie. It was PG at best. I mean, no swearing, no nudity, no brutal rape and torture. So why the R rating? Just because we get to see Segel’s ass? It’s so retarded.

This movie is the story of a couple who make a sex tape, because their marriage is getting stale. And they don’t just make a sex tape, they go full on porno, with every position in the book. One would hope that in the actual sex tape that they made, there’d be some blow jobs, and some cum shots. But somehow, I doubt it. Because their idea of hardcore was pretty tame. Just a lot of sweating and grunting. No penetration at all.

But the story gets crazy, when they inadvertently upload the video to the cloud. And then, of course, the video gets shared with all their family and friends, and mass hysteria breaks out. This couple goes insane, trying to delete the file from the cloud, and trying to hide all the tablets from the kids, and the rest of their friends and family.

That bit actually had some funny moments. But for the most part, this movie wasn’t funny or sexy. It was just stupid. It really wasn’t worth watching at all. Especially when I can go and watch the most depraved porn in the world on the motherfucking internet. Why would I want to watch fake, so-called funny porn, with no penetration and no cumshot? Fuck you, man. I’ve got jackin’ to do. I don’t got time for this shit.

So don’t watch this stupid fucking movie. Watch Zack and Miri Make a Porno instead, if you want to watch fake, and actually funny porn. Because, that movie really was funny. But skip the last 20 minutes, because it does get depressing as fuck.

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2 of 5 Stupid Stars – Let’s Be Cops, Starring Jake Johnson

This movie is so fucking stupid. But, then again, it’s supposed to be stupid. It’s supposed to be stupid AND funny. Unfortunately, it’s just plain stupid.

This is the story of two idiots who dress up as cops for a costume party. They get lots of attention from people, because they really act like cops at the party. And these guys are attention whores, so they love it. So hey, why not just go out on the town dressed as cops. What’s the worst that can happen?

Well, lots of bad things happen, of course. But the story is mostly cringe-worthy, at best. It’s just not funny. It just makes me want to shoot these fuckers in the head for making me think this might be funny, and making me want to watch it. Motherfucking trailers. Every goddamn time, they fuck you in the ass with those motherfucking movie trailers.

Then again, it was okay to watch. It was kind of like watching a train wreck. Don’t get me wrong, train wrecks can be fun to watch. Unfortunately, they’re not that fun, when you’re expecting them to be funny. And this is not a funny train wreck.

So don’t watch this stupid-ass movie. Watch 22 Jump Street instead. Because, at least that train wreck was funny.

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2 of 5 Horrible Stars – Horrible Bosses 2, starring Jason Bateman.

This movie was fucking horrible. Seriously. I mean the first Horrible Bosses movie was funny because of the terrible, no good, dirty rotten bosses. Kevin Spacey made that movie. But in this movie, there are no bosses. They’re their own goddamn bosses now. And they’re not bad bosses at all. If anything, they’re too generous to their employees.

So this is not a movie about horrible bosses anymore. It’s a movie about stupid whiny bitches. Oh noes, some rich guy fucked us on a business deal. Let’s go cry like little girls. Or, we could just go kidnap the guy’s douchebag son. Yea, let’s do that.

It’s a so-called comedy of errors. Everything goes wrong, which is usually a good thing. Conflict, right? But this conflict is just too forced. It’s like they are trying to re-create the magic of the first movie. I get that. The first movie was awesome. But now, you’ve got no horrible bosses to destroy. All you’ve got are these idiots.

And then there’s Jennifer Aniston. She plays this sex addict dentist who is just plain crazy for cock. Sorry babe, but I just can’t accept you as a nympho whore when you don’t show any skin. Would it really hurt your career if you showed us some butthole? Or a goddamn titty? Come on, man.

So don’t waste your time on this fucking movie. Watch Horrible Bosses instead. Because that movie was actually funny, and original. The only reason to watch Horrible Bosses 2 is to watch Jennifer Aniston butt fuck Jason Bateman. That shit was awesome. Damn. Now I’ve got to go to the google machine and find a gif of that hot butt fucking.

 

 

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2 of 5 Not-So-Straight Stars – The Interview, starring Seth Rogen and James Franco.

The Interview is not funny. There, I said it. I’m not sure why they chose Seth Rogen to be the straight man in this movie. Isn’t he the funny one? Because Franco certainly isn’t funny at all. I mean, he tries to be, sure. You can tell. Because his eyebrows jump all over the place when he’s trying to be funny. But he just fails at the funny so badly.

This movie is the story of Dave Skylark, and his producer Aaron. Skylark is being played by Franco, and Aaron is being played by Rogen. It totally makes sense that Aaron would be the straight man in this story, because Skylark is the talent. He’s the “Look at me, look at me, I’m a freak” type attention whore. And I can see why Franco played that role. Because Rogen just isn’t a pretty boy. He could never have his own interview show. Because he’s an ugly disgusting fuck, and nobody wants to see that shit.

This story revolves around the fact that Aaron has realised that he’s a hack producer. He’s making shit TV, and his serious journalist friends laugh at him. Then, he finds out that Kim Jong-un is Skylark’s biggest fan. So, why not set up an interview with the most feared man in the world? Go for it man. What’s the worst that could happen?

This movie may have been funny, had they cast an actual funnyman to play the Skylark character. But no. We get Franco’s pathetic attempts at humor instead. Rogen playing the straight man really didn’t help the issue. I mean, he tried to play off Franco’s crazy antics as funny, but it was just impossible. Because those crazy eyebrows just ain’t funny.

So don’t watch this stupid fucking movie. Watch This is the End, or even Neighbors. Because both of those Seth Rogen movies are actually funny. Hell, both those movies have a Franco in ’em as well. But those Francos aren’t the funny ones. They never are.

 

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4 of 5 Bat-Shit-Insane Stars

Penguins of Madagascar had to have been written by someone high on crack. Or weed. Or something, for fuck’s sake, because this movie just bounces all over the place. Nobody could predict the activities in this movie. It surprises at every turn. I swear, the only way this movie could have been written, is if they put a bunch of writers in a room and got ’em high as  fuck.

That being said, I’m glad they got those writers so goddamn high, because this movie is awesome. I always thought the penguins were the best part of the Madagascar series of movies. They always stole the show. I mean, I can only take so much Chris Rock. That guy’s a fucking hack. I’ll never understand how he got a career as a comedian. He’s just not funny. Never has been.

But, it’s not really the voices that make these penguins so funny. It’s the fact that they can do anything. So they’re stuck on a plane to fucking Madagascar. Fuck that shit. They don’t want to go visit fucking boring-ass Chris Rock. They want to find the evil villain and stop his nasty madness. So they bust out of that plane, and hop onto another one. Oh, this one’s going to France? Fuck that. So they jump to another plane.

I mean, their focus never wavers. They want to do something, so they find a way. Period. It’s fucking awesome. I’m glad they finally made this movie, because these penguins really do steal the show.

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3 of 5 Giggle Stars

Dumb and Dumber To really is worth watching, believe it or not. There were plenty of laugh out loud moments, that’s for sure. But no, it’s not as good as the first movie. It just doesn’t have the energy. I mean, it just felt tired and depressing at times. Maybe that’s because this movie was pretty much the same as the first movie, with mostly the same gags…

Seriously. This movie has the same goddamn plot and everything. They have an important “package” that someone left behind by mistake, and this movie is the trek to get the package back to it’s original owner, just like the first movie. Part of this is kind of cool. Because there were so many call-backs to the first movie. It’s like nostalgia or something.

The problem is, that makes this movie too much like the first one. Seriously. There’s just no reason to watch both. If you’ve watched this one, don’t bother going back to watch the first. It would be a complete waste of fucking time. And that kind of pisses me off, because I fucking loved the first Dumb and Dumber. It was fucking hysterical. Partly because it was original. I didn’t expect any of the dumb gags.

Dumb and Dumber To would probably be a better movie, if the first one didn’t exist. If we could just erase the first one from the history books, then this would be an awesome movie. But we can’t. Because who the fuck would put these movies in history books, right?

But seriously, don’t watch this fucking movie. Watch the first Dumb and Dumber instead. Because it was so much better than this movie, in every way.

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2 of 5 Cringe Worthy Stars

This is Where I Leave You hits a little too close to home for me. I mean, I have a totally fucked up family as well. I can’t fucking stand family gatherings. So I can totally empathise with the Jason Bateman character. I get it. Family time sucks, and I’d much rather take a bullet to the head then spend one more second with my fucked up family.

So why are there so many of these fucking movies? If I don’t want to spend time with my family, I sure as fuck don’t want to spend time with a fictional fucked up family. Why are these movies and books so goddamn popular? Sure, conflict drives a story. I get that. But why’s the conflict have to be a fucked up family?

I’d much rather it be a perfectly normal family that gets taken hostage and is killed off one by one for no apparent reason. At least that conflict is worth caring about. This fucked up family conflict just doesn’t make me care. It makes me want to run screaming from the motherfucking theatre. Because, fuck those cocksuckers. I’ve got enough real family drama to deal with.

This movie seemed like they took a perfectly normal family situation – their father dying – and just shoehorned in some stupid jokes, in a poor attempt to make it funny. I mean, the mom with the big fake tits? Sure, that’s a good laugh the first time it’s mentioned. But, they harp on it over and over. It’s one goddamn joke. Get over it.

And then the little toddler who’s trying to potty train himself. In public. With his little portable trainer toilet. Again, funny the first time. But it keeps happening over and over, like it’s a brand spanking new joke each time. I get it. You’re trying to be funny. It’s just not working.

So don’t watch this fucking movie. Because it’s not funny. It’s just fucking stupid. Watch The Ref instead. Because that movie is fucking hilarious. And, it’s an even more fucked up family. At Christmas time, no less.